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Sahara's Halloween Costume: Hell Hole

By Chuckmonster on Sunday, 31st October 2010 8:53pm
  » filed under Las Vegas  comments: 15


For the love of God, someone please shoot me now. I'm trapped in a Tangiers tower elevator as it trickles its way from L to 26. To my left is the Indian guy who minutes earlier found it necessary to prove his position in the interminable line at The Grind by mad dogging me and my two lousy Dr. Peppers. "You wan' a bag? It's free," Hector the cashier said adding a little insult to the $5.41 injury they inflicted on me for two Dr's. "Keep the bag, and keep the fucking change. Use it to learn how to spell 'Sandwhich' correctly on your menu." If only I turned off the mute button.

En route to the elevator, I pass the reservation desk where a bride wearing white and groom in full Mexican cowboy tuxedo regalia are checking into the hotel. It takes everything in me to refrain from offering the newlyweds my Capsule Review of this Godforsaken Halloween Hell Hole called the Sahara. Judging from their happy looks, they'll be laying pipe before I've barely put a dent in the Dr.... that is if this entire hotel doesn't suddenly burst into flames the next time one of the talentless throngs in the Casbah Karaoke Theatre takes yet another crack at Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life."

Fifteen steps from the elevator, I happen across a young Japanese woman sitting in front of the internet kiosk, a weeks worth of luggage and shopping bags in a heap as she was solemnly staring off into the distance, eyes welled with tears, lips quivering and face flush and puffy. I speak no Japanese. I want to help her. But does she even need help? Tears of joy? Wistful at the end of an amazing vacation at here in this hell hole? Doubtful... she looks shaken to the core as if the rug under he life has been yanked from below. What do I do? I do what every other asshole has done for the last hour of three she has been sitting there. I walk right past. I am such a loser.

The most recent pack of assholes - a tattooed douchebag wearing a Kato mask, ANOTHER Waldo, three dress-alike slutty Farmers Daughters and a family of eight (not Kate) are standing around having idle conversation while waiting for the elevator. I wonder how long they have been here as the elevator call button hasn't been pressed. I press it and the door opens right in front of them and their entire posse piles on, leaving no room in the lift for me. Pardon me, but isn't this MY elevator? If it weren't for me, those assholes would still be standing there.

Thirty seconds later another car arrives and I step on. Who steps on after me but the asshole Indian guy who wanted Krispy Kreme's so bad he had to give me screwface. Shoulder to shoulder we stand, yertling our way skyward in an elevator that smells like fried chicken and cum, fluorescents flickering, burnt out ballasts buzzing. The possibility of beating some one up with a box of donuts just might be the perfect night cap.

And just like that "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey comes on and the screen goes black. Or this?

Tagged: sahara   hell hole   halloween   


Comments & Discussion:

Just another feather in SBE's cap of success

"Sahara's Halloween Costume: Hell Hole"

Damn, its a shame they dressed up about 8 months early.

Just for the record: "sumimasen, daijobu des ka?" ("Excuse me, are you okay?")

By the by, "ka" at the end of a statement is a spoken form of a question mark. Its often spoken like a declaration without the "huh?" vocal tone we use when asking questions, except for when asking people the above, perhaps to express concern (I really don't know.")

My point was, I wonder what Japanese tourists think when they go to MGM Grand and the commercial tells them of a show that is literally called "???"

^...pretty much what we think after we've seen a Cirque- or Le Reve- type show:


MinVegas - even if he could manage to ask if she was ok, I think her response would leave him in a heap of confusion.

Chuck, thanks for reminding us why there is no reason ever to go anywhere near the Saraha.

My fiance' and I walked through there in June from the Monorail stop to catch a wedding up the strip past Stratosphere. Didn't realize the cum smell spread throughout the entire property. knock that shit down. I don't even think $250M would help this dump out.

Your Indian buddy sounds like a boss I had when I worked at Subway back in college. Must be a cultural thing.

This also sounds like a lost chapter of "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas".

That end of the Strip really is a Hell Hole these days. With the Fontainebleau in limbo and Echelon in a holding pattern for at least a few more years, there's not much incentive for SBE to splash the cash to do their plans for the Sahara. The Sahara is definitely reaching the levels that the Tropicana did in the years prior to the current ownership taking over. It really is a shame that a classic Vegas joint like the Sahara has been run into the ground like this. I know my first trip I really felt insulted by the NASCAR Cafe and the roller coaster that is latched onto the Sahara like a leech.

I award you 50 points for the phrase "yertling our way skyward" and 50 bonus points for drinking Dr. Pepper.

Hell Hole was actually a great tune.

Putting that aside, is it "write like Rex" day or something?

@Vespajet is correct. I purposefully attempted to channel the tone and style of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson as a way to amp up the loathing.

Damn, all I could think of is I need to visit there again. This used to be the fairly regular crowd for many of the spots in Vegas, I'm feeling a bit nostalgic.

Was there during our August visit. $1.00 B-J dealer kept complaining about how sticky the cards were. I'm afraid to think about how that happened, especially remembering what she looked like!
The only salvation for the Sahara is Boyd Gaming, IMO. Can't happen soon enough

I'd love to see Boyd pick up the Sahara, put a little cash in it and put them back on the strip.

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