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Top Ten Slot Machines Of The Future

By Misnomer on Monday, 9th May 2011 12:55pm
  » filed under Las Vegas  comments: 6

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Slot machines. They bore me a little, they do. Oh, don't get me wrong, I enjoy burning the occasional $20 in a Jackpot Party machine, but I can't help but think that with a little imagination (and a complete disregard for state and federal law), we can come up with some new games worthy of strapping our curlicue, pigtail slot-card tethers to.

Haywire High Voltage - Everyone loves the original Haywire, in which a three-reeled slot machine simulates a "malfunction" during a winning spin, resulting in a windfall for the player. This version ups the ante, as the "malfunction" electrifies the machine's pull handle in the bonus round. The longer the player holds on, the higher the payout.

Wheel of Fortune Cookie - Similar to the original, but with the added bonus that your cash out TITO comes printed with a fortune. Like the one that goes, "Confucius say, 'Man who stand on toilet is high on pot'." That's a good one.

Fat Elvis - No, not that Fat Elvis - the real one! The Fat Elvis slot machine celebrates everything that was awesome about The King when he got all dopey and bloated. Players sit on a precise replica of the toilet where he died. Pay symbols include quaaludes, peanut butter and 'nanner sandwiches, and that rockin' TCB logo. Bonus round involves shooting out televisions.

Playin' For Comps - To hell with the know-it-alls and so-called experts who will tell you that you should never gamble for comps. On this slot, comps are the only thing available! Line up a Red 7, a White 7, and a "Whipple's Wild!" and you'll take home the mother of all comps - the satin casino jacket!

Goldfish, Reality Edition - In this Special Edition of the popular Goldfish slot, the video reels are replaced with a simple glass panel, upon which is painted a single payline. Behind the panel is a 10 gallon aquarium containing three live goldfish. A payout is awarded only in the exceedingly rare event where all three fish line up on the payline. Hours of fun. Hours.

Twitter, The Slot - Video slot that features 140 random characters as pay symbols. Hundreds of players claim to make their entire living from this machine, though there's not a single recorded instance of anyone having ever made a dime.

The Little Rascal Scooter Slot - Using characters from the 1930's children's serial "Our Gang" as pay symbols, and offering as its jackpot a Rascal Mobility Scooter, this natural cross-marketing pairing is a good example of knowing one's audience.

LEED Certified Quintuple Diamond - Available only at Aria, this slot machine is made from sustainable materials, and powered entirely by tidal power. As Las Vegas is located in the middle of the Mojave Desert, the machine has never actually been turned on, though we are assured by Aria press materials that it is a lot of fun.

The Dirty Slot From High School - She wouldn't give you the time of day back then. But she's here now. She looks kind of rough. And she keeps asking you for more money. You've got a strong suspicion that she likes to play.

Crystal Meth Sevens - In this heart pounding thrill ride, the reels spin twice as fast, and they don't stop for three days!



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Comments & Discussion:

excellent work.
The Fat Elvis machines -- especially the seats -- would be a hit.

Having been electrocuted more than once (which explains several things), I wouldn't hesitate to play the Haywire High Voltage machine. Bring it on!

I like the Jackpot Party. Hit a nice little jackpot on my first pull before i even checkin on my last trip!!!

I'm still waiting for the "Pee Wee Jackpot" urinal slots. Lotsa good gambling time gets wasted in there, I gotta tell ya.

Stopped reading after the Elvis cliche. Disrespectful and stopped being funny in the mid 90's.

@saharalv That's a shame. You missed some tremedously unfunny Michael Jackson cliches that came after.

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