News Brief's For September 28, 2012
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The Quad Adds Resident Assistants
In an effort to further immerse its guests in the college atmosphere that its new name implies, The Quad Resort - formerly Imperial Palace - has added a Resident Assistant to each floor of the hotel. The resort claims that the peer advisors will foster interpersonal relationships, while acting as a conduit between the hotel's residents and its administration.
But some guests were initially taken aback. "My wife and I were in our room, having a few beers and listening to some music, when some kid knocked on the door and introduced himself as our RA," said Joe Huber, a tourist from Minnesota. "He told me he'd be cool this time and not report us if we poured the beer out, and he reminded me that I had to leave my door open if I had a girl in the room."
Huber said the Resident Assistant was polite, but offered unsolicited advice. "He asked me to turn the music down because 7:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. was 'quiet study'. I asked him what I was supposed to study, and he asked me who I had for Blackjack Basic Strategy. He said Professor Kohler was a dick, but I should hang in there because it's a prereq for Martingale System 202."
Huber said his experience with the RA was not all bad, however. "He gave me a flyer. We'll probably go to the Ice Cream Social in the cafeteria tomorrow."
Gordon Ramsay Opens Gordon Ramsay Kettle Korn
Building on a successful partnership with Caesars Entertainment Corporation, Celebrity Chef Gordon Ramsay has opened another eatery on the Las Vegas Strip, Gordon Ramsay Kettle Korn. The gazebo-style, candied popcorn stand is located on the sidewalk in front of Harrah's, and further establishes Ramsay's presence in the city, joining his Gordon Ramsay Steak at Paris, his forthcoming Flame Burger at Planet Hollywood, and a gastropub planned for Caesars Palace.
"Kettle Korn is one of America's greatest foods. We'll be serving it up fresh and hot, but with a decidedly British twist, yeah?" said Ramsay.
Ramsay himself is manning the kettle while in town to promote the venture, but ultimately the position will be filled by some fucking donkey from an upcoming season of Hell's Kitchen.
Tony Hsieh Struggles To Feign Interest In Latest Vague Downtown Project
In a press conference held today to announce still another of his vague initiatives for improving Downtown Las Vegas, Zappos.com CEO Tony Hsieh was noticeably unable to feign interest in the ambiguous plan.
"Today we're happy to announce the latest phase in our broad plan for the improvement.........." said Hsieh, his voice trailing off as he turned his attention to a level of the game "Cut the Rope" on his smartphone. "Yes!" exclaimed Hsieh, as he three-starred the level.Returning to the assembled crowd, Hsieh continued. "In this phase, we intend to mobilize the community, and build a sense of involvement by emphasizing the use of repurposed.........." said Hsieh, scanning the room for something interesting to look at, settling on the second hand of an analog clock.
Mayor Carolyn Goodman hailed the plan as a "triumph" and announced that Mr. Hsieh will be awarded a key to the city, his third.
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