On Urinals And Urinating
» filed under Las Vegas tagged: the can wayne newton comments: 12
It's a pet peeve you never knew you had. It's disgusting and unsanitary. I'm talking about the auto-flushing toilet or urinal.
But wait! Hands free pee disposal! How can anyone complain about that? Well gentlemen, let me ask you, when have you been in Vegas and not acted like a child at the premiere of the latest Disney movie, holding your stream in until it hurts? When the table's hot, your bladder capacity is unbelievable. And when the table's cold, you can't get up because you don't want to miss that moment when the cards turn. And seriously, is there any casino that has a bathroom close enough to let you relieve yourself while the shoe gets a shuffle? While the chip rack gets counted?
When the inevitable time comes, one must stand awkwardly facing the wall, praying that nobody takes the tinkler next to you. And when you're Vegas drunk, the flow never seems to stop. I can call Five Hundy and wax poetic on the pay tables at Sam's Town before I do the shake. I get tired. I get bored.
I do the mid-pee shuffle.
You know what I'm taking about. That thing you do when you shift your feet midstream, putting weight on the opposite foot. Or maybe you give yourself a couple more inches between the receptacle and you. Maybe you test the effectiveness of those anti-splash pads at various stream targets. The problem is, when you do this, the toilet flushes its damn self! It thinks you've moved on, cleaning itself for the next patron. But no, instead you're standing there, exposed to the bacteria filled plume formed from the excrement water whirling violently before you.
We've already declared that we're Vegas homeless. The first resort that can successfully lower the sensitivity on these auto-flushing mechanisms may very well get my business.
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