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Vegas Winter Olympics

By Misnomer on Tuesday, 4th February 2014 11:53am
  » filed under Las Vegas  comments: 5

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In honor of the upcoming Winter Olympics, we present this look at the Vegas events that make champions out of this country's athletes, and close approximations thereof.

Skeeve Jumping

This event requires both athleticism and poise, as participants must leap over the lice-infested, dreadlocked, panhandling white guys who sit along the pedestrian walkways leading into Aria. Points are deducted for kicking the skeevy dude's stray dog. Points are awarded for kicking over his battery powered Gorilla practice amp.

Skeleton

Participants in this event attempt to secure drink service at Paris, a challenge made difficult by the skeleton crew of cocktail waitresses mandated by the penny-pinching parent corporation, Caesars Entertainment. Points are deducted for settling for the flat Bud Select 55 bottle the waitress has been carrying around for 45 minutes after the guy who ordered it abandoned his position at the Beverly Hillbillies slot machine.

Speed Skating

Competitors in this event, held in the alleys surrounding the Stratosphere, purchase methamphetamine, but skate before handing over the cash to complete the transaction. No one has ever medaled in this event.

Nordic Combined

The most expensive of events, this sport requires its athletes to entertain two Swedish entertainers for as long as they are able.

Booze Luge

Typically, a Bronze Medalist in this sport cons his way into a hotel's banquet room and manages to consume a shot of chilled vodka poured down the front of a corporate party's ice sculpture. A Silver Medalist becomes intoxicated on said shots of chilled vodka. A Gold Medalist becomes intoxicated on chilled vodka shots and gets his tongue stuck to its naughty bits.

Craps Curling

In this event, the competitors set the point on the dice and slide them across the craps table without actually rolling them. The athlete thrown the farthest from the front door of the casino is considered the winner.



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Comments & Discussion:

Well done sir!

Outstanding!

Like!

That was impressive. Might I also add

Grand Slalom: Walk the length of the Strip (red route: Mandalay to TI; blue route: Tropicana to Encore) without entering into any stores from your hometown. Bonus points awarded for avoiding all temporary sidewalks surrounding retail construction. Points deducted for getting trapped in a Walgreens or CVS.

Thank you Misnomer, for two things:
1. Splitting my gut, as always.
2. Informing me I need to obtain the Silver Olympic Medal ( booze luge - 2003 ) I never knew I earned. It will be a real conversation starter hanging in my bar.

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