Vegas Winter Olympics
In honor of the upcoming Winter Olympics, we present this look at the Vegas events that make champions out of this country's athletes, and close approximations thereof.
This event requires both athleticism and poise, as participants must leap over the lice-infested, dreadlocked, panhandling white guys who sit along the pedestrian walkways leading into Aria. Points are deducted for kicking the skeevy dude's stray dog. Points are awarded for kicking over his battery powered Gorilla practice amp.
Participants in this event attempt to secure drink service at Paris, a challenge made difficult by the skeleton crew of cocktail waitresses mandated by the penny-pinching parent corporation, Caesars Entertainment. Points are deducted for settling for the flat Bud Select 55 bottle the waitress has been carrying around for 45 minutes after the guy who ordered it abandoned his position at the Beverly Hillbillies slot machine.
Competitors in this event, held in the alleys surrounding the Stratosphere, purchase methamphetamine, but skate before handing over the cash to complete the transaction. No one has ever medaled in this event.
The most expensive of events, this sport requires its athletes to entertain two Swedish entertainers for as long as they are able.
Typically, a Bronze Medalist in this sport cons his way into a hotel's banquet room and manages to consume a shot of chilled vodka poured down the front of a corporate party's ice sculpture. A Silver Medalist becomes intoxicated on said shots of chilled vodka. A Gold Medalist becomes intoxicated on chilled vodka shots and gets his tongue stuck to its naughty bits.
In this event, the competitors set the point on the dice and slide them across the craps table without actually rolling them. The athlete thrown the farthest from the front door of the casino is considered the winner.
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